Now that Donald Trump has declared himself the Republican Nominee, High Pooh-Bah, and All-Father of the World (Dilute! Dilute!), it’s time for him to start Acting Presidential, so he gave a Very Serious Foreign Policy Address today. How serious was the speech? A PBS preview informed us the whole spectacle would be
dressed with the trappings of gravitas. It will be held at Washington’s stately Mayflower Hotel (after a last-minute location change blamed on “overwhelming interest”) and will be presided over by Zalmay Khalilzad, a former U.S. ambassador to Afghanistan and Iraq, according to the campaign. Trump is expected to use a teleprompter, despite the fact that he has mercilessly mocked his rivals for doing the same, declaring at one point: “If you’re running for president you shouldn’t be allowed to use a teleprompter.”
Ooh, maybe this was Trump’s much-anticipated “exit strategy”? Now that he’s used a teleprompter, he’ll have no choice but to drop out, to be true to his word, because he is a man of honor? Sadly, it was not to be.
Of Trump’s plans for combatting the Islamic States specifically, Phares said, “He’s not going to say ‘we’re going to send three brigades to do the job.’ No. He’s going to confirm the principle that ISIS should be destroyed so that the other political settlements can work.”
Gotta be able to surprise the bastards, by, say, invading Denmark when they least expect it.
Trump began by starting the festivities a half hour late, just like a real president. He had some really cool introductory phrases about shaking the rust off American foreign policy, which has been nothing but sheer chaos under Barack Obama. “‘America First’ will be the major and overriding theme of my presidency,” he said. He briefly reviewed the entire history of American foreign policy, which began with America whipping the Nazis and Japanese in World War II, and culminated in Ronald Reagan making Gorbachev tear down the Berlin Wall. Since then, everything has been terrible, and Barack Obama created ISIS by being so weak.
Like any good freshman comp student, he presented a five-point essay on what currently sucks about American foreign policy. Or as Wonket emerita Ana Marie Cox tweeted:
Trump then explained 1) We’re trying to do too much around the world, and we’re overextended 2) we’ll make our allies pay their fair share for defense. Trump got through these pretty quickly.
We’re back in the Wonkette Bunker O’Love, the underground safe room on our Idaho compound that we reserve for stories about guns and the wonderful people who fondle them. And as usual, we have some inspiring tales of proud Americans protecting their lives and property from threats foreign and domestic — mostly domestic, as all three of our top stories involve responsible gun owners shooting family members and neighbors, which is just the price we have to pay for Liberty.
That pic up top, incidentally, is from a charming Buzzfeed collection of people who got guns for Christmas and shared photos of their prizes on social media. We don’t really begrudge Dad his rifle up there — looks like an actual hunter, at least. But there are also a whole passel of teen boys who got AR-15s for Christmas — as we know, they’re traditionally the most stable, responsible part of the population, famous for their excellent decision-making. They should definitely be armed. Say, wasn’t there a song about a girl who got a rifle for Christmas?
Our first story of responsible gun ownership comes from East Lampeter Township, Pennsylvania, where 2-month-old Kestyn Davis was fatally shot by a family member on Christmas Eve; the exact circumstances of her death have not yet been released. In a news report Thursday, District Attorney Craig Stedman did at least take the time to suggest that people who own guns should be careful what they do with them:
“We talk about responsible gun ownership and dealing with firearms and emphasize the responsible tonight. Independent of this case, if you own a firearm pay attention to being responsible.”
Yes, responsibility is nice. But anyone who suggests that gun owners should be required to learn something about safely handling firearms is a gun-grabber who hates freedom, and must be driven out of a job. In the meanwhile, occasional reminders to “be responsible” will have to do.
Our next story is just as relentlessly non-funny, and all too familiar: In Colorado Springs, a 14-year-old girl was shot to death by her responsible gun-owning stepfather, who thought she was a burglar. Apparently she was sneaking back into the house through the basement at 6 a.m. after slipping out of the house sometime during the night. Stepdad had called 911 to report a burglary in progress, but no doubt aware of the gun-fondling dictum that “when seconds count, the police are just minutes away,” decided to handle the intruder himself.
Especially enlightening are the commenters at The Blaze, who are universally in agreement that you have to identify your target before shooting and announce yourself, or at least keep low-level lighting on throughout your house. This could never happen to anyone in a comments section. Also charming, the two or three who suggested that if the 14-year-old-girl were not such a slut, sneaking out and whoring around, she would be alive today.
And finally, a responsible gun owner who killed someone he wasn’t related to: In Volusia County, Florida, 69-year-old Bruce Fleming was standing in his backyard on Christmas Day when he was killed by a stray round from a neighbor’s home gun range. The neighborhood is in an unincorporated area and not subject to restrictions on firearms use within city limits; Florida law allows people to shoot guns in their backyards, just as long as they don’t do so “negligently or recklessly.” We’re guessing this might be one of those “not allowed” cases, but then again, Florida. Remember, folks, higher berms! In fact, probably a good idea to stay in your bunker all the time like we do.
Update: An update to the Daytona Beach News-Journal, one of the sources cited by Raw Story:
While initial reports stated that witnesses told deputies a stray bullet may have come from a nearby shooting range with a raised berm recently built by a neighbor, officials don’t believe the bullet came from that property, [Sheriff’s spokesman Gary] Davidson said late Wednesday afternoon.
Wonkette regrets the error — it was apparently a different responsible gun owner firing in a semi-residential area, not the owner of the private gun range. Hat tip to Steve S. on Facebook for the correction.
We don’t know if any of the responsible gun owners stood over the bodies of those they shot and asked “What part of ‘shall not be infringed’ don’t you understand?” But we’re pretty sure it got said again in a comments section somewhere.
It’s been a year and a not quite a couple weeks since Newtown. Since then, Slate estimates that approximately 34,672 have been shot to death in the U.S. On the other hand, there’s almost certainly some robberies or even worse crimes that were prevented, so it all evens out.
Imbecile Texas Republican Louie Gohmert is rolling around on the floor of his congressional office in a fit of snickering and spittle, because he figured out that no lawmaker had officially proposed Barack Obama’s American Jobs Act to Congress. This means that technically speaking, the name “American Jobs Act” did not yet exist in the files, because the Democrats are losers. Gohmert immediately pooped himself with puerile excitement and ran off to scribble “American Jobs Act: no more corporate taxes forever” on two sheets of paper and then handed it over to the House. BAM, filed. He wins, that’s it! The name is his!
Oh, he’s such a card, that Gohmert. His legislation consists entirely of repealing the corporate income tax, because of course it does. I’m not sure if he thinks this is a tremendous blow against Obama and his scary jobs proposals, or if he just wakes up each day wondering if there is some pissy little way to gum up the works of government a bit, and will take whatever small victories toward that end he can get.
Again, I point out: this is the stuff your Congress does instead of governing. I would at this point rather have the United States placed in the care of a high school “Model U.N.” conference, because I think they would almost certainly take the job more seriously than most of the narcissistic clowns that are there now. Or maybe the House should just go on permanent fundraising vacation: it isn’t like their September return from vacation has been one stick more productive than their month-long August absence.
A couple of months after leaving MSNBC, Keith Olbermann started videotaping his special comments from his high rise apartment in Manhattan. I try to make it a point to visit his site on a daily basis although the downside to the site is that it’s not updated on a daily.
For those of us who are KO fans, this satisfies our KO addiction to a degree. Of course, I’d rather see Keith Olbermann and his huge personality on my big screen HD TVthough!
Those looking forward to Keith Olbermann’s installation of a new rear entrance for Wonkette in his Worst Persons segment might be a little disappointed in the web impresario’s denunciation ofJack Stuef’s Trig Palin story, but the segment is somewhat redeemed by Olbermann’s clever (so clever he hyped it in two separate tweets!) “special greeting” for Trump: “FOK off!”
Olbermann starts off strong. He calls Stuef’s post “despicable,” calls his apology “half-assed,” and delivers perhaps his most scorching missive to Wonkette, comparing them to…print publications! (blood-curdling horror scream!)
But then, he shifts his criticism to the “legitimate question” of whether Palin uses Trig as a prop, and essentially slams Stuef for giving Palin one more thing to bitch about. Even if you buy this premise (I don’t), couldn’t Olbermann’s attack have launched without this extra payload? The guy crapped all over her baby, can you give it a rest for five seconds?
Olbermann finishes the segment amusingly enough, however, with a characteristically articulate takedown of Donald Trump’s feudlet with Jerry Seinfeld, and concludes by hanging a supernova-bright lantern on his sign-off joke.
“Keeping in mind that this is the FOK News Channel website,” he begins, “F-O-K, Friends Of Keith,…Don,” oh boy, here it comes! “FOK off!”
A lot of the times we miss out on the latest and greatest Barack Obama conspiracy theories that aren’t being promoted by legitimate presidential candidates. This is especially true ever since I started blocking emails from my aunt who was positive that Obama held a “Pimps and Ho’s Party” at the White House (Sorry, Aunt Becky. If you’re hosting Christmas this year, you’re gonna have to call me by phone about it). Anyway, thank goodness for Wonkette picking up on this article from The Daily Mail. You’d think we’d be annoyed at the British tabloid printing unsubstantiated rumors about our president, but how else would we know about Obama’s sinister brain surgery scars! Now that’s an awesome conspiracy.
The Daily Mail piece collects some theories from bloggers who noticed an odd pattern in Obama’s hair in pictures of he and George Lopez. Not content to ask the obvious questions (when and why Obama was hanging with George Lopez in the first place?), the bloggers dug deeper and realized that the hair pattern was clearly a scar from brain surgery.
“Ben Hart, a blogger for Escape The Tyranny a website which presents itself as a Social Network & Forum For Conservatives, said: ‘Obama’s almost done with his first term, and we still know almost nothing about the background of the President of the United States.
‘Whatever happened to create that scar, it was clearly something serious. Was it a brain operation? Has it affected his thinking?
‘No one is allowed to see his birth certificate. He is just one big mystery man, which adds intrigue to what that huge scar is all about.’
He also said that surgery might explain why the President gets lost speaking without a teleprompter, and posted a video of Obama struggling through a speech, repeating his words and getting lost mid-sentence.”
My first question was why the most powerful man in the world couldn’t get his hands on a surgeon who wouldn’t leave noticeable scars. But then I realized Obama probably used some cheap surgeon…in Kenya!
I had some more questions but, unfortunately, I got distracted by The Daily Mail’sphotos of Christine Hendricks in a nightie. Hopefully some legitimate, real, totally serious presidential candidate will pick up this story and talk about it on every news show ever for three weeks straight so that I can learn more.
Long before launching his exploratory committee, he frequently chronicled his life’s joys on his Twitter feed. Our favorite of Gingrich’s tweets was a series he wrote around Easter of last year, shown above. His recollection of snacks of yore, and their relationship to tender memories, was positively Proustian in its subject matter, if not its duration.Now, it seems as if his childhood wonder has been expunged from the Internet.
These tweets and all others composed before July 22, 2010 are unable to be found. According to Twitter, Gingrich has written more than 2,300 tweets, but just a small portion of the sum total are currently available on his feed. Additionally, permalinks to many earlier tweets are broken.