Tag Archives: Lindsay Lohan
Very funny. Thanks Will Durst…
2012 should not under any circumstances be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2012. They are as different as red satin cummerbunds and Liar’s Dice. Duck liver and Spanish moss. Matched pearl necklaces and motorcycle handlebars.
For those of you itching to point out that some stories, especially those involving death, destruction, devastation and disaster are not proper subjects for this sort of fanciful folderol; way ahead of you. Totally agree. Exactly why the Aurora, Colorado movie theater massacre, Hurricane Sandy, Jerry Sandusky and the movie John Carter failed to make the cut.
Also left off the list are a few of the fiendishly frivolous footprints despoiling the sands of this annum horribilis such as Lindsay Lohan’s continuing struggles with sobriety, that curious craze called Gangnam Style, the introduction of the iPhone 5 and Facebook’s roller coaster IPO.
That said; here they are, the key stories from the past year providing the purest opportunities for major mocking and scoffing and taunting as determined by the executive council of the Comics, Clowns, Jesters & Satirists Union. Me.
10. Donald Trump. Assumes figurehead post of Birther Movement. Then refuses to shut up all year long including several embarrassing tweets on Election Day. An ever- gushing political comedy material fountain with all the grace and elegance of tumbling dumpsters.
9. First Presidential Debate. Turned what was becoming a slam- dunk into a horse race. 70 million Americans tuned in. But for some unknown reason, President Obama was not among them.
8. The entire GOP primary campaign. Party plays Candidate Whack- A- Mole for five months. Everybody takes turns beating Romney like a red headed stepchild, including some folks who aren’t even running.
7. London Olympics. Ann Romney’s horse Rafalca competes in Dressage. Event where the horse and the rider perform predetermined movements. Like interspecies dancing. Which you would think would be illegal in Utah. But horse fails to medal and probably gets shipped home strapped to the fuselage of a 747. McKayla Maroney remains unimpressed.
6. Vice Presidential Debate. Joe Biden goes all Malarkey on Paul Ryan. Two words- decaf. Bold Choice Ryan blames Obama for GM plant closing in 08. Fails to implicate POTUS in fall of the Roman Empire. But just barely.
5. Barack Obama comes out in support of gay marriage. Emerges from his own personal policy closet like a butterfly emerging from a conflicted cocoon.
4. Mitt Romney vows to get rid of Big Bird losing him pivotal pre- adolescent vote.
3. Democratic National Convention. Specifically Bill Clinton laying out the precise reasons why America should re-elect as President… Bill Clinton.
2. Republican National Convention. Specifically Clint Eastwood upstaging the nominee’s acceptance speech by getting into an argument with an empty chair. Which he proceeded to lose. Probably upset him so badly he rushed back to the hotel room where he got into a squabble with his armoire.
1. Mitt Romney. All the charisma of a plastic picnic fork with three of the tines snapped off. May have run the worst campaign ever. And that includes New Coke, McCain/ Palin and France in 39.
- Will Durst: The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2012 (huffingtonpost.com)
- Romney Leading Humor Race, Being Biggest Joke Is Not Good (dekerivers.wordpress.com)
- Geoffrey Dunn: Obama Triumphus: The Ten Real Reasons Why the Republicans Lost the Presidency (huffingtonpost.com)
- The Dueling Flickr Feeds Of Barack Obama And Mitt Romney (theawl.com)
- Hillary Clinton will finish off Republicans in 2016 says Maureen Dowd (irishcentral.com)
- President Obama, Bill Clinton Unite On 2012 Trail For First Time (news.yahoo.com)
Get people angry at Obama because they have better access to healthcare. FAILED
Get people angry at Obama because her American mother may have built a highly complex scheme to have a baby with an African man, give birth to the baby outside her country BUT pretend he was born inside and pull strings to get him elected President. FAILED
Get people angry at Obama because he refuses to throw old people into misery by destroying Medicare. UTTERLY FAILED
Get people angry at Obama by causing a downgrade in the US credit rating by spooking the market with insane requests and refusing to negociate with Democrats and then pretend it was all his fault. IN PROGRESS
Get people angry at Obama for being unfaithful to his wife by making Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Snooky, the Octomom, Sharon Osborne, Kelly Osborne, Jake Osborne, the Dixie Chicks, the two chicks from ABBA, the chick from the Mamas and the Papas that is still alive, Bristol Palin (these damn wine coolers!), Oprah and whole the women US soccer team testify that he as been cheating on his wife from day one as President and bring back the Bill Clinton impeachment playbook. NOT STARTED YET
Get people angry at Obama by somehow recreating the balloon boy hoax with his daughters. REJECTED
Get people angry at Obama by convincing him to launch a music album with someone’s else voice and expose the imposture in the middle of a concert. REJECTED
Get people angry at Obama by hacking his teleprompter to make him say he will replace Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Ted Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore by himself, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Tupac Shakur. REJECTED
- Obama, Boehner Debt Ceiling Fight Has Become A Test Of Leadership (huffingtonpost.com)
- US debt crisis: Senate Democrats block Republican cuts bill (guardian.co.uk)
- Obama Loses 37K Followers in Twitter Bombs (newser.com)
- Obama: Repubublicans Wasted ‘Precious Days’ On Boehner Debt Ceiling Plan (huffingtonpost.com)
- World Net Daily Publisher Joseph Farah: God’s Angry at Obama, So He Sent Tornadoes (littlegreenfootballs.com)
The same people that follow and support the rather “loopy” Donald Trump for President, also support the likes of Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. Most people call them America’s right wing fringe groups (aka the crazies.)
Michele Bachmann is “reportedly” ready to form a presidential exploratory committee in early June. Shame on me (and this website) for paying the slightest bit of attention to this foolish and ridiculous spectacle, but here we are.
It’s a challenge to decide what, exactly, is silliest about this story. First is the generic issue, independent of Bachmann. “Ready to form a presidential exploratory committee?” What the hell does that amount to? Imagine, sitting down at a restaurant, calling the waiter over, and explaining that you may be ready, at some future point, to form an “exploratory committee” to discuss what you might like to order for dinner. My guess is you might get a bottle of Perrier poured on your head.
OK, now let’s assume for the sake of argument, some actual content to this announcement. Let’s say Bachmann actually does, one day, form a presidential exploratory committee and even runs for the Republican nomination for president. After all, she has recently made multiple visits to key states like Iowa and New Hampshire and has been telling people that she will be filling out the necessary forms to be included in the party debates, which begin May 2 at the Reagan Library in California.
Bachmann has about as much chance of actually getting the nomination as Lindsay Lohan. Does anyone in the world, even Bachmann herself, sincerely believe that this would be anything other than an exercise in vanity and self-delusion?
But what is really craziest about the story of Bachmann’s candidacy—and most disturbing about the fact that it will be treated as an actual “hard news” story by so much of the media in the coming months—is the lady herself.
- Could Michele Bachmann become the 45th President of the United States? (smacktalkradio.wordpress.com)
- Romney opens presidential exploratory committee (marketwatch.com)
- Michele Bachmann Hires Top Huckabee Aide In Iowa (outsidethebeltway.com)
- Bachmann outraises Romney (politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com)