John Oliver

John Oliver Keeps It Real After Paris Attacks: ‘F*ck These A**holes!’ (VIDEO)


A lot has been said regarding the horrific attacks that occurred last Friday in Paris, France. Many have expressed their sympathy for the French people and all those affected by such atrocious acts.

Many shows have even touched upon the attacks with their own tribute in one way or another. However, one person just laid his feelings out on the table in the most epic way possible and let everyone know how he feels about those who committed these acts of terror.

That person? John Oliver on HBO’s Last Week Tonight. He just gave one of the most tremendous profanity-ridden monologues ever.

Oliver began his show, saying:

“Sadly, we must begin with a few words about France which, on Friday, suffered the deadliest attack on its soil since World War II. Look, it’s hardly been 48 hours and much is still unknown, but there are a few things we can say for certain. And this is when it actually helps to be on HBO, where those things can be said without restraint, because after the many necessary and appropriate moments of silence, I’d like to offer you a moment of premium cable profanity.”

It was at this moment that he likely said what many of us are thinking. However, he says it so much better.

“So here is where things stand. First, as of now, we know this attack was carried out by gigantic fucking assholes. Unconscionable flaming assholes. Possibly working with other fucking assholes, definitely working in service of an ideology of pure assholery.

Second, and this goes almost without saying, FUCK THESE ASSHOLES! Fuck ’em, if I may say, sideways.

And third, it is important to remember nothing about what these assholes are trying to do is going to work. France is going to endure. And I’ll tell you why. If you’re in a war of culture and lifestyle with France, good fucking luck! Because go ahead, bring your bankrupt ideology; they’ll bring Jean-Paul Sartre, Edith Piaf, fine wine, Gauloises cigarettes, Camus, Camembert, madeleines, macarons, Marcel Proust, and the fucking croquembouche. The croquembouche! You’ve just brought a philosophy of rigorous self-abnegation to a pastry fight, my friends! You are fucked! That is a French freedom tower!

So, to the people of France, our thoughts are truly with you and I do not doubt that there will be more to say about this as events unspool, but for now, we are going to continue with the rest of our show…”

Those who committed these terrible acts and tried to instill terror in the hearts and minds of the French people don’t quite realize who they are messing with. They are messing with a people who survived WWII. People who won’t back down, won’t give up, and definitely won’t cower in the face of those who seek to ideologically change them through fear. They will live on as they have always lived. And they are the epitome of endurance. Viva la France!


John Oliver destroys Fox News over staggeringly offensive refugee coverage

John Oliver destroys Fox News over staggeringly offensive refugee coverage

HBO Screenshot


John Oliver took on the heartbreaking stories of the Syrian refugee crisis Sunday night on Last Week Tonight.

Oliver began with an all out assault on Fox News for showing what they said was a new video online that “some” say makes people nervous about taking in refugees. The footage featured a packed public transit train with the crowd chanting “Allahu akbar” or “God is great” in Arabic. The caption reads below the video “Terrorists Inbound? Taking refugees could open door to jihadists.” The Fox News reporter said “those are reportedly Muslim refugees” and then goes on to say “to be clear, we’re not saying any of those people are terrorists or in any way affiliated with a terror group, but it does highlight just how many of these refugees who are fleeing violence in Iraq and Syria are Muslim.”

Oliver lit the Fox News anchor up for claiming she wasn’t calling the people in the video terrorists since the screen actually read “Terrorists Inbound?” below the video. Oliver’s crack research team also uncovered that the video Fox News was showing was uploading in 2010, not, as the reporter claimed recently of “Muslim refugees.” Oliver’s suggestion was to just use the footage from the film True Lies with the Islamic terrorists because it’s only slightly more racist and is at least of actual terrorists albeit fictional ones.

One of the heartbreaking stories Oliver highlighted was the story of teenager Nageen Mustafa who has been wheelchair bound for most of her life and managed to make the difficult journey from Syria to Europe fleeing violence. The girl was all smiles in the video saying the terrifying journey was “funny,” because it was “the first time I see the sea.” BBC reporter Fergal Keane asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she said an astronaut because she wanted to see an alien. She also wants to meet Queen Elizabeth.

Because of her disability she was shunned and prevented from going to school. Her English is exceptional so reporters have asked her how she learned, she said she spent two years watching the soap opera Days of Our Lives.

“Unfortunately for Nageen and so many like her,” Oliver said, “Europe has yet to create an effective system to process this influx of people. Every country has a different application process and some are totally overwhelmed and underfunded.”

He then showed examples of the forms that many of the refugees are being handed with appointment dates to discuss their status in anywhere from three months to five years from now. Oliver reminded the audience that between now and then they cannot legally work in the country to which they are fleeing without proper status and immigration paperwork.

Unless of course, they go to Germany. Oliver showed footage of the thousands of people streaming into German airports where Germans are applauding and welcoming them as they arrive. “That’s right, amazingly, one of the warmest welcomes offered to immigrants comes from Germany. A country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest before being nearly being cooked and eaten and murdering an old woman,” Oliver said of the tale Hansel and Gretel. ” Sleep well!”

Oliver then decimates the heartless camera woman who was caught tripping refugees as they were trying to escape boarder guards. “Oh! She lost her job!” Oliver said. “I’m sorry, I’m sure she can find a new one on”

“The maddening thing here is Europe doesn’t even have to do this for good reasons. It can do it for selfish ones, because it is in dire need of new citizens,” Oliver said before rolling footage of a report talking about the extremely low birth rate in Europe.

In the end Oliver’s gift to the refugees is a special video for young Nageen who was so disappointed her favorite character on Days of Our Lives was killed off. You’ll want to watch in the video below – it’s everything:

John Oliver and Helen Mirren debunk U.S. torture practices: “The reason so many of us believe that torture works is that it does—on TV”

John Oliver and Helen Mirren debunk U.S. torture practices: "The reason so many of us believe that torture works is that it does—on TV"

John Oliver (Credit: HBO)


Oliver enlisted the help of Dame Helen Mirren to read some excerpts from the SIC’s public torture report

“Last Week Tonight” host John Oliver says that Americans have been “dangerously misinformed” about the U.S.’ torture practices and encouraged everyone to read the “condensed” 500-page report the Senate Intelligence Committee made available to the public at the tail-end of last year.

Oliver said on Sunday’s program that a large majority of Americans still believe that torture is an effective method of combating terrorism. What’s worse, the practices are currently only being restrained by executive powers and could be disregarded in 2016 with a new president at the helm.

The “Last Week Tonight” host went on to compare U.S. torture to the show “24″ and enlisted the help of Dame Helen Mirren to read some excerpts — including one about forced rectal feeding — from the public report: “Majid Khan’s ‘lunch tray’ consisting of hummus, pasta with sauce, nuts, and raisins was ‘pureed’ and rectally infused.”

“Torture is one of those things that is advertised as something that works, but doesn’t—like a Ford truck or those weird bottles of Horny Goat Weed available at your local bodega,” Oliver said. “But maybe the reason that so many of us innately believe that torture works is that it does—on TV, all the time. Look at ’24.’ Jack Bauer repeatedly saved American lives while behaving like this.”

Watch the clip below courtesy of HBO below:

Rachel Maddow says what we’re all thinking about John Oliver

Rachel Maddow says what we're all thinking about John Oliver

Rachel Maddow (Credit: MSNBC)


The MSNBC pundit says she’d love to “use dogs with fake paws to reenact Supreme Court oral arguments

Rachel Maddow addressed two very important issues surrounding the Supreme Court of the United States on Monday night. The first of which, Maddow explains, took place on HBO.

Yes, Maddow discussed John Oliver and his use of “Real Animals Fake Paws” to reenact Supreme Court arguments. “I am not allowed to speak for the news division here,” Maddow states. “Part of the reason why is because if I were in charge of the news devision here, I would totally do this. I would totally use dogs with fake paws to reenact Supreme Court oral arguments.”

“That said,” Maddow continues, “this now exists as an asset in our nation’s arsenal in how to cover civics and understand important decisions made by one of our three branches of government.”

Maddow then covers Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s “blistering dissent” on the Texas Voter ID ruling, which she stayed up until 5:00 AM writing. Watch below:

John Oliver presents: The enduring influence of Ayn Rand, ‘selfish *sshole’

Ayn Rand via Last Week Tonight (YouTube)

The Raw Story

On HBO’s Last Week Tonight, host John Oliver presented an informational segment on the enduring influence of libertarian writer Ayn Rand on politicians and captains of industry, asking, ‘Ayn Rand: How is she still a thing?”

Noting that Rand is popular with conservatives, despite the inability by many of them to pronounce her name correctly, the narrator explains that Rand became famous for her philosophy of objectivism, “which is a nice way of saying, ‘being a selfish asshole’.”

Rand is shown in interview saying, “Why is it good to want others to be happy? You can make others happy and when and if those others mean something to you selfishly.”

Rand is noted for her two novels, Atlas Shrugged and The Foutainhead, “Stories about rapey heroes complaining about how no one appreciates their true genius.”

“Ayn Rand has always been popular with teenagers,” we are informed. “But she is supposed to be something you grow out of, like ska music or handjobs.”

The segment notes that Rand is still popular with “a certain type of adult,” using tech billionaire Mark Cuban as an example, pointing out Cuban’s “287-foot yacht is named ‘Fountainhead,’ because sometimes having a 287-foot yacht just isn’t enough to warn people you’re a douchebag.”

Partucular attention is paid to Rand’s popularity with conservative politicians and commentators such as former vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, Texas Senator Ted Cruz, and TV host Glenn Beck, noting that her views on subjects near and dear to conservative hearts — such as abortion, atheism, and love of Ronald Reagan — are in direct conflict with mainstream conservative thinking.

The segment concludes by wondering why people still love Rand when there are so many “other advocates for selfishness they could choose, like Donald Trump, or Drake, and basically anyone on Bravo.”

Watch the video below, via Crooks & Liars:

Must-see morning clip: John Oliver’s amazing takedown of the Miss America pageant

John Oliver Screenshot | HBO


How is Miss America “still a thing?” wonders John Oliver

In just 15 minutes, John Oliver’s “Last Week Tonight” has taken down the sexist tradition of beauty pageants, challenged the credibility of the entire Miss America organization, and brilliantly parodied the ridiculous production that is the pageant. The segment also illustrated how, increasingly, Oliver’s program seems to be a journalism-driven show with aggressively researched, truth-seeking stories told with a sense of self-awareness and lots of wit.

After revealing Miss America’s dubious and troubling relationship with its so-called scholarships (arguably the only thing that keeps the pageant relevant in 2014), Oliver hosted a beauty contest of his own. Comedian Kathy Griffin participated as a contestant, flipped the script and then judged the beauty of pageant host Oliver next to a model. The model, who is a model, won the contest because it favors people who look like models. Oliver then declares, “Pageants are horrible! I feel bad about myself.”

John Oliver: US prisons are full because ‘our drug laws are a little draconian, and a lot racist’


The Raw Story

On an extended segment on HBO’s Last Week Tonight, host John Oliver tackled the subject of America’s prison system — from high incarceration rates due to “draconian” drug laws to prison rape and privatization.

Oliver began by pointing out that America has more prisoners than any other country in the world, with nearly one in every 100 adults in America incarcerated.

“That’s true. We have over 2 million behind bars right now,” Oliver explained. “We have more prisoners at the moment than China. Than China. We don’t have more anything than China other than, of course, debt to China.”

Pointing out that America’s prison population has expanded eight-fold since 1970, Oliver stated, “The only other thing that has grown at that rate, since the seventies, is varieties of Cheerios. F*ck you, Fruity Cheerios, you’re trumped up Froot Loops, and you know it!”

Noting that over 50 percent of America’s prison population is incarcerated on drug charges, Oliver said “Our drug laws are a little draconian, and a lot racist.”

“While white people and African-Americans use drugs at about the same amount, a study has shown that African-Americans have been sent to prison for drug offenses at up to ten times the rate for some utterly known reason,” Olver said, drawing laughter from the audience.

“It reminds me of a joke. Black people who commit drug offenses, they go to jail like this,” Oliver said, miming hand held together with handcuffs. “Whereas white people … don’t go to jail at all.”

Oliver pointed out that so many people are incarcerated in America that Sesame Street is forced to to explain prison to children.

“Just think about that,” Oliver asked. “We now need adorable singing puppets to explain prison to children in the same way they explain the number seven or what the moon is.”

Addressing prison rape, calling it the “most horrifying things that can potentially happen,” Oliver shared a collection of clips from popular TV shows and movies — including children’s cartoon Spongebob Squarepants — making light of rape.

Oliver continued on, discussing the privatization of prisons leading to inadequate medical care, increased prison deaths, maggots in food served by outside vendors, and for-profit publicly-traded companies that run prisons pitching investors on growth opportunities due to the lure of high recidivism rates.

Watch the video from Last Week Tonight HERE…

John Oliver shows why Hobby Lobby’s arguments were so irrational (Not censored)

Daily Kos

Two weeks ago, before the decision was handed down, John Oliver showed why the Hobby Lobby case was so mind-numbingly irrational on so many fronts.

What these companies are arguing is that the sincerity of their beliefs should allow them a line item veto over federal law. But government is not an à la carte system where you can pick and choose based on your beliefs. Taxation is more of an all you can eat salad bar. […]If you really want to be treated like a person, corporations, then guess what? Paying for things you don’t like is what it feels like to be one. In fact, if corporations want to be people, they should have to take the rough with the smooth. For a start, companies should only get to have the average lifespan of a person, 79 years. 75 if they’re based in Mississippi. […]

And for GM, who’ve admitted some responsibility for the deaths of a minimum of 13 people, I’ve got some bad news for you. People who do that generally don’t get off with a fucking fine.


John Oliver pits Bill Nye and 96 scientists against 3 climate change-denying ‘dudes’


I really like John Oliver’s HBO show…

The Raw Story

Addressing a recently released report on climate change, John Oliver invited the ubiquitous Bill Nye the Science Guy on to Last Week Tonight to debate a generic climate change denier before adding more panel members to mathematically represent scientific consensus.

Following clips of news anchors and President Barack Obama pointing out that climate change is happening now, Oliver called it a “key shift in how to talk about climate change.”

“We’ve been repeatedly asked ‘Don’t you want to leave a better Earth for your grandchildren?” Oliver asked. “And we’ve all collectively responded “Eh, fuck ‘em.’”

Alluding to a Gallup poll showing 1 in 4 Americans are skeptical of climate change, Oliver said, “Who gives a shit?”

“That doesn’t matter. You don’t need people’s opinions on a fact,” he explained. “You might as well have a poll asking,’Which number is bigger? 15 or 5? Or, do owls exist? Or, are there hats?’”

Pointing out that every debate on climate change on cable TV includes Bill Nye and “some dude,” Oliver invited Nye on the show to debate a climate change denier, but then added two more climate deniers and 96 more scientists representing the 97% of the scientific community who believe that climate change is a fact.

Watch the video below courtesy of HBO:

Stewart Praises Budget Deal: Hallelujah! A Break From All the ‘Congressional F*ckery!


It’s been so long since Congress actually compromised on something, Jon Stewart seemed almost giddy Wednesday night that there’s a budget deal that could very well pass. Stewart even played “Hallelujah” in celebration, though quite frankly, absolutely no one on either side is really happy about this.

Stewart fully expected to do another cursory look at “today’s congressional f*ckery” but was legitimately surprised at the “witchcraft” that must have led to this deal. He mocked all the piling on the deal prior to reading what was actually in it, and John Oliver stridently declares the deal is so good, it “ranks up there with the Civil Rights Act.”

But let’s face it, this isn’t a sexy story, so in the second segment of the show, Jason Jones tried to make it more like Die Hard, but buzzkills like NBC’s Chuck Todd ruined all the fun for him.

Watch the first segment below, via Comedy Central: