CHRISTIE ASKS FOR PUBLIC’S PATIENCE WHILE HE COMES UP WITH NEW STORY (Satire)

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The Borowitz Report

Responding to fresh charges that he knew about the controversial lane closures on the George Washington Bridge last fall, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today asked for the public’s patience while he makes up a new story.

“Today you have heard some allegations that are shocking and explosive,” he told reporters at a hastily called press conference. “All I ask is that the people of the great state of New Jersey give me sufficient time to invent a new story that explains my way out of this.”

Governor Christie said that he had spent the past few hours in closed-door meetings trying to come up with a new narrative that absolves him of any guilt in the bridge scandal, but while he was definitely denying the allegations, “so far, we don’t have a winner.”

“We’ve been tossing around everything from my not remembering events correctly to my having a bad reaction to medication,” he said. “We even floated the idea of my being under too much pressure and having to ‘blow off steam.’ As I said, we don’t have a winner yet. But I want to reassure the people of New Jersey that I am working very hard on this.”

The Governor said he understood that “things don’t look very good for me right now,” but he urged the public against rushing to judgment, adding, “I will get back to you with a well-crafted and plausible story as soon as possible.”

8 Comments

Filed under Borowitz Report, Chris Christie

8 responses to “CHRISTIE ASKS FOR PUBLIC’S PATIENCE WHILE HE COMES UP WITH NEW STORY (Satire)

  1. Considering the speed at which his goose is being cooked, it won’t require much patience.

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  2. He could try some of the time tested ones like “I was hiking the Appalachian Trail” or “I am not a crook”.

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  3. Ted

    Christie is typical “New Jersey.” He doesn’t need to use someone elses excuses. He makes up his own as he goes along, modifying them whenever needed to fit new developments. He also “doesn’t remember” things he wants others to believe he didn’t say.

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    • Jackie Saulmon Ramirez

      Wait just a darn minute! I’m in Jersey and I do not behave like that! Any blanket statement you make like that about an area or the people is bound to be wrong.

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  4. He could revert to the just sticking his finger in the face of reporters and telling them to STFU.

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